This is my first posting on this new site. I’ve been blogging on caringbridge (a nonprofit site for people who are involved in any type of long term illness who want to post their progress and updates for family and friends) and have decided to shift over to a more public forum as I move into this next phase of the process.
Unfortunately, mine is a rather familiar story. I found a lump in my left breast on January 19th, 2010. I read in bed at night, and it was really cold, so I had my arms around my shoulders and grazed something on the top of my left breast. It was a very hard lump – very pronounced – about 1 inch in length and 3/4 inch wide. I knew something was wrong, but I convinced myself it was just a cyst and put it out of my mind until I saw my OBGYN a week later, who thought it was nothing to worry about, but just to be safe, sent me for a mammogram and ultrasound.
During the ultrasound, they kept telling me to hum whenever they would highlight a suspicious area. On my right breast (the one that didn’t have a lump) when I hummed, the area turned all blue. On my left breast, where the lump was, when I hummed it was red. I knew it was bad. I knew that meant it wasn’t liquid and that it was hard tissue. The radiologist came in a little while later and everything after that became a blur as she told me I had to have a biopsy done, and for the first time, she used the word cancer.
I have a 14 year old daughter who was home from school that day and all I could think of was how I was going to get home and into the house without her seeing me crying. There was a lot of hiding for me, in the first phase of this process. I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on. I didn’t want to tell anyone, until I knew exactly what I was dealing with. I didn’t realize how much fear and shame I had associated with illness in general, and especially with cancer, until I was diagnosed. Now that I’ve been living with it for 9 months, I pretty much tell anyone and everyone about what’s going on with me, and have decided to consciously talk about it so that I can help reduce the stigma and fear associated with breast cancer.
However, today is not the day to recount details of all that. Today is the day to determine what this blog will be about. I’m thinking I’ll give tips and hints for how to navigate through this crazy medical process. Plus I’ll chronicle my story, as I recount how I’m managing to navigate breast cancer, a family that includes 2 amazing teenage kids, a marketing consulting business and a dog named Tucker.
If that interests you, please come on in and join me.
First tip: When going through breast cancer, it helps to write things down.
It’s helpful because it gets all the madness and worry out of your head and onto the page. It’s also helpful for the future, because from the day you’re diagnosed until many years later (I’m only a year in, so don’t know how long, but expect that it will continue for at least 5-10 years), you’re going to need to remember a lot of details about what’s happened, so it’s a good idea to keep a record of all this stuff.
Wow, Claudia–good for you! I’m so glad you’re doing this. It will be cathartic for you, but it will really help anyone else who’s dealing with cancer, and anyone else who has a loved one they want to know how to comfort in some way. I’m really proud of you!
Wow…I read your new blog….I don’t think I knew the details about those first days…
ps
I added your blog to my blogroll, Claudia.
You did it! You are officially a blogger. Welcome to the blogosphere! Congrats!
Yup, count me in, you’re in “My Favorites” this minute! Sharing your experience helps ALL of us understand better, I’m thankful for the benefit of your words and wisdom already. <3 Alice
Congrats on the blog. So 2010 of you. Glad you and I met and we can share our concerns/feelings/fears/happiness, etc. So nice to be able to have somone who really understands. Look forward to your next blog. Good luck next week. xoxoxo
I found this looking for your previous blogsite Claudia darlin. you are the best writer and fighter. i learned a ton just reading description of initial diagnosis. a former boss had first surgery last week. You are such an inspiration. Is this a blog and will you be readin this? Terryxo
Hi Terry – yes, this is my new blog. I decided to move from caringbridge to a more public forum so that I could continue after all the procedures are done. Some day I hope to make this about life in general, not just BC! There are many lessons I’ve learned from this and hopefully I can apply them to other parts of my life and not stay obsessed with BC. How the heck are ya hon?
Hi,
I’ve recently been diagnosed and found your blog on google when I was researching the new study on lymph nodes. You have no idea what a huge help this has been reading about your experience! I’m so sorry for all that you have been through – my journey is just beginning and it’s very scary. I can relate to how you felt when you first heard and then the swarm of info you need to sort through. thanks again for sharing your story and know that it will definitely help a lot of women out there. Take good care! – Luann
Luann,
Thank you for the note, it made my day. Some days I wonder if this is really helping anyone….so you just confirmed that it has. If you ever have any questions about your process, please reach out, I’d be very happy to share any insights I might have. All my good thoughts are with you. Please let me know if I can help in anyway. Best, Claudia
Claudia,
Thank you and I may take you up on that offer! I, too, have really good pathology results – 12mm grade 1 tumor, ER/PR pos, Her2 Neg, one axillary node FNA is neg. That is why when I read yours, then saw what you went through, I took a deep breath and realized that is “ain’t over til the fat lady sings” i.e. when the pathology from surgery comes back (and even then…..) I so appreciate all the info you have shared – I am sure it must be cathartic for you in some way and so, so helpful to me and I’m sure others as well. I really enjoy your style of writing too! You should be an editorial writer for a magazine! My tentative surgery date is 4/11 for a lumpectomy (tentative because I need to decide which surgeon) Well I didn’t intend this post to be a novel, so thank you again and I’ll be checking in!
Luann
Luann – I’ll be thinking of you on the 11th. You sound like you’re on top of things, and doing all the right things. Best, Claudia
Hi Claudia, just wanted to pop in to say my surgry went very well yesterday. I feel more discomfort than “pain” really and am doing well. Now for the long, barbaric wait for pathology….. Luann
Hi Luann, I’m glad that surgery went well and hope the wait for your pathology report goes quicker than you expect. Do you know the size and Stage (I don’t see it in your notes above)? Hang in there……Claudia
Hi Claudia,
I only know the biopsy results and size – not pathology from surgery yet so no staging yet. I may hear something on Monday – my followup is next Wed. so definitely by then. My surgeon told me she removed 3 lymph nodes and they looked “normal” but final word comes from pathology. Thanks for the encouragement – will be back when I know something. – Good health to you! 🙂 Luann
Hi Luann – I’m on vacation next week but will be back online on the 24th so DO please keep me posted. Great news that the lymph nodes looked normal, that’s a very good sign, as I’m sure your surgeon told you. GET A COPY OF YOUR PATHOLOGY REPORT AND MAKE NOTES ON IT WHEN THEY EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. It’s an important thing to have as you’ll need it for the future. Best….Claudia
Hi Claudia – thought I had come back already to post results but I guess I didn’t… I think she removed part of my brain as well! Everything came back good – nodes were negative, margin clean, 1.4 cm tumor grade 1, so it was stage 1 – God is good! Started radiation on Monday at MGH North. Still waiting for the surgistrip to come off though – 4 weeks and counting – I think they used super glue! (as well as the blue dye stain that I can’t get off either!) Hope you are feeling well! Take care!
Luann
Hi Luann – SO glad it was Grade and Stage 1, and no lymph nodes – that’s wonderful. Sounds like you’re not going to need chemo, and will just do radiation (not that it’s really “just” radiation, but you know what I mean). My steri-strips took a long time to come off also 🙂 And that crazy dye/magic marker was on for so long, I had to be sure to wear shirts that came up high on my neck or it would show. So glad to hear these results, sounds very promising. I’m feeling great, lots of energy. Thanks for letting me know the results, all my best, Claudia
Tomorrow is last day of radiation!!! woohoo! tanned almost to black in the underarm area but skin stayed intact so that is good. Hope you are doing well! – Luann
Hi Luann – so glad you tolerated the radiation well. Congratulations on being done tomorrow, that is wonderful news! Claudia
Lovely read Claudia. So grateful to have met you.
Same here, Dorothy!