Life has been jam packed full of lots of big events. One of the biggest life events for me right now is that my daughter is in her senior year of high school, and so is in the midst of college applications and essays. She’s being extremely independent about the whole process as is to be expected, she’s very independent and always has been.
(Side bar: Before she was born, I always said that if I had a daughter, I wanted her to be strong and independent. Then when she turned out to be exactly what I had asked for, I realized that I had forgotten to mention to the universe that I didn’t want her to be independent from ME!)
But, aside from the nervous energy I have about the college process, and my worries about the tactical side of applications and essays, I have been struggling with my own emotions about the fact that she will be leaving us soon. She’s one of my favorite people in the world. I simply love her. I find her to be one of the most interesting and centered people I’ve ever encountered and I know that I’m going to miss her terribly.
I’ll miss her presence in our home. She’s full of really good, positive and calming energy. She’s almost always happy, rarely angry or in a bad mood. She’s accepting and interested in people, yet fully comfortable being all by herself. I was never as enlightened, or calm as she is, when I was her age. I marvel at how self possessed and self-aware she is, at the wise old age of 17 1/2.
She knows full well how much I’m going to miss her. I know that she knows how I’ve been wrestling with this whole year of “getting ready for college” and she lets me obsess and worry, calmly telling me that she’ll handle it, that she knows what she wants and where she wants to go and what she needs to do to get there, while I rant and rave about all that has to done. She just does it.
It’s been a good lesson for me. I worry and make plans and obsess and talk about what has to be done, but she quietly just gets what has to be done, done. Pretty simple. Pretty brilliant. I think I’m learning a lot from her. I’m working on my own ability to stop nattering and worrying and obsessing, and just trying to be. It’s working, one day at a time. I’m finding more peace in myself this month, relishing the cool weather, enjoying my family and my life. I’m already finding new things to keep me occupied when she leaves, so that she doesn’t have to worry about me when she’s off to her new life next Fall.
In the meantime, I’m cooking up a storm now that the cool weather is here, planning lots of trips and spending lots of time with friends. I’m lucky and I’m grateful.