In the back of my mind I’m almost always thinking about what my next blog post will be. There are days, weeks even, where I just don’t want to write about breast cancer, think about breast cancer or even remind myself that I had breast cancer.
And on those days, I start to think that I want to change the whole name and focus of this blog, which is kind of ridiculous, ’cause it’s called My Left Breast, so I really can’t write about anything else on here….
But, in reality, breast cancer has become a part of my life now, just as my children and husband are a part of my life, just as my career is a part of my life, just as my friends and family are all a part of my life.
Post breast cancer, my life is now colored by the experience several times a day. Many of the reminders are negative. I see my reconstruction scars each morning, I feel the annoying tug and pull in my chest from the reconstruction whenever I sit in a soft backed chair, I take my damned hot flash inducing Tamoxifen every morning and I still get scared every 6 months right before my bi-annual oncologist check-ups. (My next one is in December which is what’s got me thinking about this post).
But.
I do think that I’ve learned a tremendous amount from the experience.
Before you interpret that to mean that I’m saying I’m glad I got breast cancer, PLEASE don’t misread this statement. Let me explain.
Before I had breast cancer, I always lived life as if I had no end date, as if I were going to last forever. I never really considered my own mortality, never really thought about the fact that I’d die some day. I raced and crashed through life, going full speed ahead, never really stopping to think things through, but instead focusing on moving, keeping active, rushing ahead, getting to the “end goal,” whatever that meant.
I juggled my career, raised my kids, kept my home, cooked, cleaned and did all the things every mom does, and went at it full speed ahead, never letting myself take the time to decompress and slow down.
I focused on doing life, instead of experiencing life.
But since my breast cancer, I consciously consider every thing I do through the lens of my mortality. No, it’s not in a morbid or depressed way. Rather, I now look at every decision in front of me through the lens of life post breast cancer, and ask myself, “Is this activity necessary and is it good for me, or is it bad for me?”
Based on the answer to that question, I then work on figuring out how to either add more of it into my life (if it’s good for me) or remove it from my life or at least substantially reduce the amount of time I spend on it (if it’s bad for me).
It’s a much more conscious way of living than what I was doing prior to breast cancer. I don’t always get it right, but I would say that now, I’m making the right decisions of how to spend my time at least 75% of the time, when before breast cancer, I think it was about 30% right and 70% just racing towards the next thing on my to-do-list.
So, long winded way of getting to the point: I like to write on here so I’m working really hard to make time for at least one new post a week, even during the busy season at work and with the holidays coming up, because it makes me happy.
How about you? What’s changed in how you prioritize life after your breast cancer diagnosis or similar life changing experience?
I haven’t yet had one of those experience, but I imagine I would respond as you do. And just knowing so many people who have faced down mortality has kind of changed me, too.
Carol Cassara recently posted…Easy gift idea: DIY lip scrub
I’m sort of annoyed that it took me something like this to figure it out, glad you are already there, without having to have bc, Carol!
Claudia Schmidt recently posted…I Used To Do Life Before Breast Cancer, Now I Experience Life
Hi Claudia,
Having cancer changes how we look at just about everything and we learn from any experience we go through, even the nasty ones. Some days I think I’ve completely changed my priorities and some days I wonder if I’ve changed much at all since my diagnosis, priority-wise I mean. I hate giving cancer credit for anything. You probably know how I feel about calling cancer a gift…
And I’m like you, always thinking about that next blog post. I’m glad you plan to keep churning out a post a week. I love your blog. Keep writing.
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Hi Nancy,
Yes, I know how you feel about calling cancer a gift! In fact, I thought of you when I wrote this 🙂 And, there are may times when I hate giving cancer credit for making me live life more fully, it’s maddening to me that it took something like this to make me take a longer look at the importance of living fully into each day, but then there it is. So, I provide credit where credit is due w/out honoring the cancer, I honor the reaction it created in me. Best, Claudia
If I feel like I’m being handed or have made myself a poop sandwich I ask myself this question before I get completely unhinged or start to fret: “Did you break your back? ” The answer thankfully has been “no” since last February and I can move through the morass a little more easily.
My dear friend, Ms. B is a breast cancer survivor (8 years) and she does thank her cancer because it moved her to the path she is supposed to be. It sounds like a strange reaction but she is one of the healthiest people I know as a result of her cancer.
Laura recently posted…Permission to over share
Funny, I have a similar reaction. If life starts to get nutty (again), I say (internally), “Just deal with it, I mean how bad can it be….it’s not CANCER,” and problems seem more surmountable. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. xo
This is a great post. It took diagnosis with a chronic illness, fibromyalgia, to make me reevaluate my priorities. It was a blessing and a curse. But, life is good now, despite the illness not having a cure. I have done things I never would have done without that wake up call.
Jenny Kanevsky recently posted…IN OTHER WORDS | Mom, Can You Make Me A Sandwich?
Yes, I can relate to that. I’m more focused now on making each day count, and spend a lot less time worrying about what I can’t control, and taking time to enjoy what I have, because of the experience. Thank you for reading and commenting!
Losing many people very close to me has really changed my view. It’s now clear to me we all have an exit date. I tried to live each day to the max.
I’m sorry that you’ve lost so many people close to you and yes, it does make you realize the importance of living each day to the fullest. xo
So well articulated! This reframing of life seems to be one of the (only) silver linings of facing one’s mortality. It’s really lovely to read how this has played out for you.
You know, as far as this blog’s name goes, you could just think of it this way: you’re writing posts here that are about ALL the kinds of adventures your left breast, and the rest of you, have!
Jocelyn recently posted…Blogging Like Rihanna’s “Umbrella” Is the Fresh New Tune
Thank you, so much, Jocelyn! And, yeah, I’ve sort of just done that, with the whole blog name as I really don’t want to change it since it’s what started me blogging in the first place so now I just write about whatever comes up and it seems to be working. Thanks for reading xo
I understand what you are saying. Breast caner totally changed my life. Before, I enjoyed life but it was crammed into work and vacation time. Now that I left my corporate career and started my own business circling the breast cancer community my time is dictated how I choose to enjoy it. So breast cancer gave me a new career, a new focus, new friends, new experiences. I am trying to make lemonade out of lemons. That said, in shopping for a new mattress, new carpeting or a new roof, a 20 year life span is about all I need!
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I know what you mean, I’d be happy with 20 years as long as they were healthy ones. Thanks for stopping by! xo
Claudia Schmidt recently posted…Before Breast Cancer, I Used To DO Life. Now I EXPERIENCE Life.
Claudia,
As I read about your blog, I thought I was reading about myself! Here’s to being more present and alive for life, for being conscious about our choices, and filling our lives with gratitude for the good stuff.
Regarding the name of your blog, it certainly is an attention grabber and that’s good for enticing others to read your story!
I’m glad I found you!
Vicki
Yes, being more present to life is exactly what I’m trying to do, thanks for “getting it!” Thank you for reading and commenting, it means a lot to know that there are others with the same experience. xo