My son made me this card in school for Mother’s Day 2010 and it hangs on the wall of my office. I remember the day I got it framed, mid-way through chemo. I cried that day at the framers, so overwhelmed by emotions. I was bald, I was weak, I was scared. But I was so happy about the card.
Since that day, it’s been hanging on my office wall, and to be quite honest, it creates conflicting emotions every time I see it.
I’ve always been a full-time working mom. And with that has come so much guilt and angst about whether or not I did enough for my kids, whether I spent enough time with them. For the past 19 1/2 years I have worried about whether they will remember me as an active participant in their lives or one of those distant moms, who was just there for tasks and chores and reminding them to do their homework.
I’m not someone who is good at playing. Instead I work, I clean, I organize, I do chores, I plan the college funds. I was never very good at just hanging out and relaxing, playing ball, doing arts and crafts, cooking together, relaxing together. It’s not my comfort zone, I feel awkward in those types of activities and have never been very good at them.
I would see the other moms at the baseball and basketball games who always seemed on top of the schedules, and who often volunteered to be team moms or classroom moms and I wondered if my kids were going to think of me as not involved. There were quite a few times when I couldn’t remember where the game was supposed to be and showed up late or went to the wrong field. I’d wind up texting the other team moms to ask them where the game was, wondering why I could never keep on top of the sports schedules when I could always keep my work schedule organized.
Did I make the wrong priorities? Will they remember me, the way I remember my dad, as a nice but somewhat removed parent who was more comfortable at work than at home? Or like my mom, who was always stressed, often angry and never seemed to be able to relax?
My husband has always been the coach. For about 9 years he coached Little League along with Rec Basketball and spent hours and hours with my son and his friends at games and at practice. I would go to most of the games, but never really felt like I was in the thick of it, always felt a bit of the outsider since I’m woefully unsportsmanlike and often have no idea of what’s going on on the field or court.
This year my daughter is a Freshman in college. My son is a Junior in High School. These high school and college years go very quickly as so many of my friends warned me.
The other day, I was grumbling to myself about doing my sons laundry, worrying because I still haven’t infused in him the ability (or desire) to do his own laundry. And it suddenly dawned on me that I have about 15 more months of this before he’s off to college.
The year I was so sick, I longed to be able to clean their rooms, to do their laundry, to keep involved with their lives because I was simply too exhausted and sick to do much more than lay around sleeping and watching TV.
That first year after all the treatments ended when I could actively parent them again was so sweet. But, like many other things in life, it soon became yet another series of chores; the endless cleaning, cooking, driving and parenting that comes with having teens. And now I’m keenly aware of the fact that it will soon be done. And wondering if I’ve done enough.
I look at the young people they’ve become and am eminently proud of them. They’re smart, funny, compassionate, loyal, grounded, honest and true to themselves. I think a lot of that is nature, but am sure some of it is nurture, and that I’ve contributed to it.
“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings.”
–Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Claudia, first of all I love the card your boychick made. Out of the mouths of babes!! Real and authentic just like his Mama Bear. You have penned a refreshingly honest piece about motherhood. Being a full-time working mom myself I could relate to everything you said. I always felt as though there were two tracks, the mommy track and the career track. Merging them was a tough task. I tried to do it all, as well as I could, since I loved being a mother and thrived on my career. I have always believed happy mothers make for happy children. In my case it proved to be true. Btw, I don’t miss the laundry. That’s the one thing I love about the empty nest. I do, however, miss the cooking. Nothing like mama love (a fresh pot of sauce) on the stove. Happy Mother’s Day my Lovely!
So nice to know I’m not the only one, Nicki! I love your theory of a happy mother making for happy children, that’s one I’ll file away for future reference! Happy Mother’s Day to you, too!
Whew! Great post.
My kids never seemed to get the hang of household chores. It seemed like being slobs was there biggest point of rebellion.
The year my son got an apartment with some college friends, I realized something clicked. He came home, loaded up on cleaning supplies and said, “You wouldn’t believe how cruddy the sink is. It looks like no one even heard of Bon Ami.”
Adela recently posted…Renée Pampered Me with a Mohawk
Wow, Bon Ami?! Impressive 🙂 I keep reminding myself that I was really messy until I lived on my own……
Claudia,
I’m not a parent (not in the traditional sense anyway), but I happen to believe that parents are the soundtrack to our lives. They are always in the background, playing ever so softly, as we make decision upon decision that take us down the path that becomes Life. I am 35 and it plays. I’m sure at 45, it will too.
I don’t think any parent is ever the parent they thought they’d be. Things, needs, and time get in the way, but I’m sure, sooner or later (and if they’re blessed enough to become parents themselves) they’ll understand that you gave what you could, oftentimes more so, to build and breathe love into them. Each breath was a stitch of the wings sewed upon their hearts.
May they fly high, Claudia.
And may you know you helped them do so.
With heart,
Dani
Dani recently posted…Dear Uterus: You Are a Murderous Bastard
Thank you, Dani. I love that concept — that parents are the soundtrack of our lives. Mine certainly were for me, and it’s nice to think I will playing in the background throughout my kids lives, thanks for planting that lovely concept in my mind. xoxo
Your kids survived cancer like you did. Trust me I am not saying cancer is a good thing, but seeing you go through it, survive, bounce back and thrive I think has a humbling effect on kids. Their worlds become less about them and more caring and aware and mature.
Haralee recently posted…4 Deadly Sins of Gift Buying
You’re so right, Haralee. I hadn’t thought of that, but it will inform their futures and hopefully in a positive way.
Your blog was the perfect start to the Mother’s Day Weekend. Thanks for sharing- can’t wait to share it with my mom over the weekend.
I consider you one of the great mom’s that I know. Working with you throughout the years – their were numerous times ( if not daily) that you were physically juggling work but emotionally concerned with K&Cs daily hurdles or cheering their victories.
Have a great Mother’s Day!
Aw, thanks, Cindy! Give mom a big hug for me xo
First off I think your kids will look back and say “Thank God she lived.” I read this and felt the stress that I have been carrying for years just leave my body! I thought I was the only one who never felt “comfortable” with all things kids. I always felt so out of place, unorganized, and at a loss as to how to be that kind of “active” mom. I cooked, I cleaned, I helped with homework, but I would sit in the bleachers and feel so out of place and basically out of it period. I could never just be with them I always had to be doing for them instead. Glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way.
Rena McDaniel recently posted…MY JOB AS A CAREGIVER AND A WRITER…
Oh Rena, you just made my day. From your mouth to God’s ear 🙂 Thank you for your generous and caring words. xo
We do the best we can, when we can, because that is human nature. Illness always throws us off track and we can’t spill regret in the road because that will drive us crazy.
Your kids are wonderful, Claudia, in part due to who you are as a mom and a human being. They know that and they always will.
Cathy Chester recently posted…How My Mother Taught Me Courage Despite Adversity
Thank you, Cathy. And….Happy Mother’s Day!
I’ve always been the mom good at play and fun and horrible about discipline and schedule. I have cried tears thinking I screwed up my children because of how hard it is for me to be structured. Granted I’ve gotten much better in 21 years (since our first was born) but structure is not easy for me. God gave me a son who is now 11 and extreme ADHD. I feel so guilty about how he must have struggled at school partly because of my inability to organize his work and study time. Any who. I guess we all do the best we can with what we got. Happy Mother’s Day Claudia.
Isn’t it funny how we all second guess ourselves? I’m sure your son felt loved, accepted and nurtured and isn’t that what’s really the most important thing in raising children? Happy Mother’s Day!
The more I see posts like this the more I’m aware of how much as moms we tend to second-guess ourselves (I don’t actually know whether dads do this or not).
I truly believe that your children are grateful and happy that you are by their sides. Often, just having us in the room is all they need, as I’ve seen many times when my kids are on their video games and I’m just pottering on Facebook!
I too am not the traditional mom, cooking delicious dishes and fussing over their every need. I think we are at an era when we can redefine what moms stand for to what’s comfortable for us!
Roshni recently posted…What it’s like to be an introvert married to an extrovert
Nice to know I’m not alone, Roshni. And Happy Mother’s Day!!
Claudia,
You’re such a great mom. I definitely see you as the participatory type so I think you have a wrong perception of yourself. You’ve done a great job with your kids and I know they see you in themselves, as you see yourself in your mom.
When I was a kid I remember my Mom screaming at us each time we’d get ready for a trip and I’d think she was crazy and wonder why she was screaming. Only to find myself doing the same. Happy Mother’s Day!
julie recently posted…Anticipation Versus Delivery
Thanks, Julie. I’m doin’ the best job I know how, so I guess that’s what’s important 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day to you, too, my friend. xo
Claudia, excellent post! I think parents, particularly mothers, always worry whether we have been the right kind of mom for our kids. We are human, and it’s understandable to wonder this. I have an almost-seven-year-old, and I am always wondering whether I’m a good enough mom. In the end, all we can do is the best we can.
Thank you for your candor.
Thanks for the note, Beth. My mom used to always say that she never stopped worrying about us even when we were in our 30’s and 40’s…..I guess it’s part of the job. xo
Hello Claudia,
Found your blog through Roshni’s and love it. I guess, it is just the nature of us moms to feel guilty about not doing enough. I work from home and I do cook and do art and crafts with my daughter, but many times I feel my house is not as clean or as organized as others.
She is still young and we still have doubts about everyday decisions like whether we chose the right school for her. I can only imagine what it would be like as she grows.
Priya recently posted…10 Healthy Ragi Breakfast Recipes for toddlers/kids
Hi Priya, It’s always so interesting to hear from moms who don’t work, because they often share the same concerns I have as a working mother. Being a mom is a big responsibility and I suppose most of us often question whether we’ve done all we could, but at the end of the day, we do the best we can. Thank you for your kind note.
Hi Claudia,
It’s one of life’s, or rather motherhood’s, great questions I suppose – have I done enough? It doesn’t really matter if you’re a stay-at-home mom, a full-time working mom or a somewhere-in-between there mom. We all muddle through and do the best we can. Loving them is what matters most of course. Perfection, thank God, is over-rated anyway. Nice post and I have a feeling you have indeed done enough.
Nancy’s Point recently posted…Cancer Is the Scourge, Not You
You’re so right. Unconditional love and acceptance are the important things, Nancy. xo