The holidays are here. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride. Turns out Tamoxifen (which I will be taking for the next 5 years) wreaks havoc with your hormones and makes you very moody. DUH. I had sort of forgotten that in the midst of focusing on the other, more concerning side effects, such as heart attack/strokes and uterine cancer. I woke up the day after my first day of Tamoxifen (Dec. 6th) crying, and have been pretty much crying at the drop of a hat ever since.
I’m taking Tamoxifen, because my breast cancer was estrogen positive (ER+), and Tamoxifen stops your body from producing estrogen which in essence “feeds” the cancer (if there’s any still lurking around in my body). So, by taking Tamoxifen for 5 years, I will “starve” any potential cancer cells that may have eluded the chemo and surgeries. That, in and of itself, completely freaks me out: the notion of some random cancer cells still lurking around in my body. I had approached this whole thing with the idea that because it was Stage 2 and there were no lymph nodes involved, that there was not, and would never be any other cancer in my body as it had not metastasized and was unlikely to. But then when you are given a course of treatment of a drug that you will take for 5 years, just to be on the safe side, it makes you reconsider. Plus, the hormone imbalance is making me so emotional, that I’ve been very focused on the negative and not my usual/normal positive outlook.
Hence, I haven’t been blogging. I can’t stand all the negative stuff I’m thinking, and am not interested in sharing it with you guys, either. But, the Tamoxifen seems to be leveling out a bit, and I’m feeling more like myself today.
I’m puzzled about what to say about my breast cancer. Am I cured? Do I speak of it in the past tense? Am I a survivor? It’s a puzzle. Not sure when you decide to state what you are. I think I will take a plunge and be proactive and decide to say I am a cancer survivor, because I need some control over what’s going on with my life and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this disease own me.
I was talking to a friend the other day, telling her how freaked out I am by the mastectomy scars. She had such a great take on it. She said “But it’s your badge of courage, how cool is that?” and I really want to start to feel that way. Right now, I’m falling into a lot of negative thoughts about the whole thing, and would like to start pro-actively taking it on so that I can break through and feel like myself again.
No tips or hints from me today, guys. I’m just hanging in there and trying to crawl out of my funk, plus all this holiday cheer is driving me nuts, as I’m not feeling particularly celebratory these days. More later. I promise to get my MOJO back.
Claudia, I’m so proud of you. I’ve been worried, too, knowing that the Tamoxifen has made this a tough time for you. Wish we were all closer, especially now, at holiday time. It’d be good to talk and just see everyone. I’ll call, and don’t ever feel you can’t call if you’re in a funk. Trust me, you’re talking about the queen of funks in her life. Just try to relax if you can some over the holidays. You deserve it. Love you,
xo
sue
Hi Claudia,
Sorry to hear about your drug induced funk. I hope it continues to improve and you can enjoy the holidays with your family.
Sending lots of cheer and positive thoughts your way!
S
Right back at you — much love.
DGZ
I seriously don’t want to take it anymore and so I was told 3% chance it will help me. I don’t see how I can live crying at the drop of a hat.
I was on a roller coaster for the first 4-5 weeks but then I leveled out to normal and now I’ve been on it 7 years, and will most likely stay on for at least 10. The benefits to me, outweigh the negatives and I tolerate it very well, other than the hot flashes. I hope you start to level out, as well. Best wishes.