This quote speaks to me today. I haven’t been in harmony for the past few weeks and have been working on sorting it out. I think it’s got something to do with the fact that the kids are growing up and moving on. This is what you have kids for; you raise them so that they can go out on their own. You want them to be independent, you want them to be self-reliant, you want them to be strong and make their own choices.
But it’s driving me crazy lately.
Because I don’t feel like I know what’s going on in their lives. They don’t talk a lot at this age, plus they have recently moved from Facebook (one of my sources of info into their lives) to Instagram, which I can NOT figure out, plus they won’t accept my friend request on it anyway and when I try to get info out of them verbally they basically only speak in monosyllables.
Me: “How was school?”
Him: “Fine, boring.”
Me: “What books are you reading in English?”
Him: “Antigone.”
Me: “Oh boy, that’s a tough read, even for me and I love to read. What do you think of it?”
Him: “It’s boring.”
And so on and so on.
It’s strange to have 2 teenagers in the house. It’s like living with 4 grown adults all in one home, now. I’m such a talker, I love to talk things out and over and all around; I’m a verbal person. That’s how I connect with people, it’s how I sort things out, it’s my way of making sense of my world.
They tell me I talk too much. That’s like saying I’m breathing too much, I don’t even know how to do it any other way.
So….I’m holding my tongue. I use short sentences. I keep my thoughts to myself (for the most part) and avoid arguments. I get so little out of them anyway, that if I start arguing with them about their lack of including me in their lives, I’ll get even less.
So, I’m trying in other ways. I cook more, I try to have a lot of food around and then I try to get them to eat more. They’re teenagers; they like to eat, so sometimes that works. I’m spending more time with my friends, doing more with my husband, reading more. It’s weird to go from being completely immersed in their lives to being on the sidelines, watching them figure it out on their own.
Before I had kids, a smart friend told me that when you have kids, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” So, I bank on that. I bank on the fact that we’ve raised them to be smart, to make wise and thoughtful choices, to be kind, to be compassionate. There’s not much else you really can do, I suppose.
I remind myself that they’re not me. My struggles at their age are not their struggles. My mom friends tell me it’s very age appropriate behavior and I hold on to that thought. My older sister says that they “come back” when they’re in their 20’s. I sure hope so. In the meantime, I’m planning on whipping up a batch of brownies later today, so that the 3 of us can spend about 5 minutes of shared brownie eating time together when they get home from school.
I am so definitely going to blame any weight gaining that occurs, on them.
They DO come back later, Claudia. I looked at it as a good time to “work” on me. That’s when I started doing watercolors! I realized my job was different now–they’re working their own “stuff” out, and some of it they don’t really want to share. We sure as hell didn’t share lots of things with the ‘rents!!! Remember?? hahaaaa. Enjoy baking! xo
I didn’t know that was when you’d started doing the watercolors, Sue. What a smart thing to do, I didn’t realize that was why you started. I’m trying to figure out what my new thing/role will be. I know that eventually I’ll figure it out, it’s a process… xoxoxo
I certainly remember being monosyllabic with my family at that age but I also remember that there was a LOT going on in my head. Continue to be the great example to those two and it will all work out in the end.
I kind of remember that too, Mary. But I thought I was such a different type of parent that my kids would react differently. I guess that “age appropriate behavior” thing is pretty important. xo
Aah yes, kids. The relationships continue to grow and evolve and yes, they do “come back”. Just this summer my twenty-something-year-old remarked that he really enjoyed hanging out with hubby and me. Who would have thought, right? The teenage years are all about figuring stuff out… come to think of it, isn’t that what every age is about? LOL! Hope you enjoyed those brownies!
Hi Nancy, Good to hear from another mom that they do come back, that’s what all my friends and sisters keep telling me, thanks for another vote of confidence 🙂 The brownies were delicious….tomorrow I think I’m gonna’ make chocolate chip cookies, LOL.
I completely relate, Claudia. My daughter, who is just as verbal as her mother, is away at college. That leaves me home with my son and husband, who use words sparingly. It’s like the entire balance of our home has shifted. Like you, I try to talk less, but it’s unnatural for me. When my daughter or friends call, I’m on the phone for hours. We’ll get through this, right??
Debbie – Sounds like our families are very similar although during these teen years my daughter (who’s going to college next fall) has been unusually quieter these past few months (I attribute it to pre-college jitters). My son and husband communicate almost entirely through sports analogies and I have nothing to contribute since I’ve never been much a sports person, myself! So I sit and read my book while they’re watching endless hours of sports, but at least we’re all together in the same room! Yeah, we’ll both get through this, I think we’re both pretty tough 🙂
Claudia, I just discovered and am so thoroughly am enjoying your blog! I’ve been chuckling at this post reliving those years and still relating now! I think everyone who has had kids goes through what you’re talking about. 🙂 And, as others have said, they DO come back! I’m going through those teen years now with some of my grandkids – they just don’t want to talk anymore! Instagram definitely is my source of info where they’re concerned! LOL
This post is a few years old – hopefully those teens are closer to the “coming back” age and you’re both enjoying each other once again!
So glad you found me and are enjoying the blog. And, yes, they’re both in college now but are definitely coming back….it’s been a process. I was so afraid when they both left for college but now see that they’ll keep coming back and in fact relish being home with us. Huge sigh of relief 🙂