Lately I’ve been thinking about how wise I’ve become.
If you haven’t snort laughed yet, you should. I would never have referred to myself as the wise type.
But, now that I’m in my 50’s (God, how old that sounds), I am a whole lot wiser than I was in my 30’s and 40’s.
Here’s a list of the 10 things I now know in my 50’s that I wish I could tell my 30 year old self:
1. Hold your kids all the time when they’re babies.
Snuggle with them and hold them all the time. When my kids were babies, I would bemoan the fact that I had to constantly hold them or they’d cry. It was hard for someone used to getting a lot done to walk around the house all day, jiggling a baby in her arms or on her shoulder. Once they get to be about 8 years old, all that hugging and snuggling is going to disappear as they become more and more independent. So relish it while you can. And once they’re teens, you’re lucky to get a grunt as a reply when you say, “Honey, I love you,” and the hugs are few and far between, so embrace it while you can.
2. Stop worrying about how the kids are going to turn out, they’re going to be fine.
That advice your friend gave you about how the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? It’s true. They’ll be a lot like you and your husband, so just try and set a good example. Just because you did all those terrible things when you were their age doesn’t mean they’ll do the same. Just because you didn’t raise them perfectly doesn’t mean they’re not going to turn out to be fully rounded adults. They will, trust in them and in yourself.
3. Don’t worry so much about your career.
Figure out what you want to do, do it well and let it fall into place. Put more focus on raising the kids than on your job and things will balance out. Once you have kids, the job will just take off because as a mom, you’ll be so laser focused that you won’t have time for any nonsense and so will become hyper efficient and productive in order to get home so that you can take care of them. So stop obsessing about your career, it will all work out.
4. Stop worrying about money so much. You’ll have enough.
What’s the point of juggling working and kids if you’re not going to allow yourself to enjoy the rewards of that work? So put in that built-in pool, do the upgrades to the house, fix up the basement in to a playroom, create a home that your family can live happily and comfortably in now. Plus, you’ll probably wind up working past retirement anyway, after transitioning into a new career that you’ll have more passion for and which you’ll be perfectly happy to spend the next 10+ years doing, in order to make sure you have enough money to last until you’re 100 which is how long you’ll probably wind up living if your parent’s and in-laws are any example.
5. Go on more trips! Stop putting it off. Go do stuff.
See places, see things, take family vacations. Take the kids, make them go along with you on adventures. Take a lot of pictures to remind you of what you did together. Once the kids hit teen-dom, they’re not going to want to spend as much time with you guys, so take them when they’re young.
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6. Stop obsessing about your weight.
Just eat relatively healthily and find clothes that suit you and showcase your body as it is, not as it will be when you lose those 5 pounds you’re always talking about. Nobody else cares, no one else thinks you need to lose weight but you, because they’re all so obsessed with their own weight that they don’t really notice yours. This is just how women are.
7. Spend a lot of time with your girlfriends.
And keep adding new ones into the mix at every new job, or at every new event in your life. Your women friends will always be there to listen and help you figure out whatever new issue you’re facing and will always tell you the truth (gently but firmly) when you need to hear it.
8. Find a good therapist early on, to help you work out all the crap you’re carrying around with you from childhood.
Find a good one and work on that shit! Believe me, that stuff is important, so deal with it, cry a lot, get it out of your system and move on. Don’t carry it around with you or you’ll wind up foisting it on your own kids, and they’ll end up repeating all the stupid things you did when you were in your 20’s and 30’s.
9. The whole college process? It’s not really as horrible as you thought it would be.
Let your kids take the lead. They’ll figure it out, that’s part of what the whole process is about. Remind them about key milestones a few times, but at the end of the day, let them know that this (one of the most important decisions of their lives) must come from them. And yes, it costs a bloody fortune, but somehow or other you’ll figure it out; between 529’s, savings, loans and just generally planning, you’ll wind up figuring out how to pay to get them through college.
10. There will come a day when you will have your independence back again.
The kids will eventually become potty trained, get on a sleep schedule, learn to tie their own shoes, learn to read and go to school by themselves. And then all of a sudden, they’ll be in high school which will fly by (just like all those other moms told you) and then they’ll be ready for college and you’ll have a lot of time on your hands.
And then you’ll be able to go on all those trips you wanted, and go out to dinner whenever you want and get all those massages. But you’ll miss those kids terribly, so enjoy them fully while they’re still here.
What about you? What are the 10 things you wish you could tell your younger self?
“Go on more trips.” All I can say is YES. Go on more trips. They don’t have to cost a zillion bucks. It’s the experience that counts. Great list!
Yes! I have an ongoing list of places I want to see, and intend to keep adding to it over the years.
Great list. It’s amazing how wise age makes us. Oh, and having cancer also helps with that wisdom (I know that firsthand, too).
Yes, Sheryl – cancer sure did make me wiser. I no longer wait for anything. If I have something on my bucket list, I’m doing it NOW! ‘Cause you never know what life is going to hand you, as you well know. Thanks for reading!!
great list. i watched my parents stress as i grew up and took mental notes along the way. i am in my 40’s and try to follow all the items on your list. number 1 in particular, even though they are preteen now, I still hug them a million times a day 🙂
Good idea to learn from your parents, Audrey! And hug those guys, mine are so hug resistant these days….I hear they “come back” when they’re in their 20’s (according to my sisters who have older kids)!
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Great advice. I totally agree with #5 – there is nothing more important than travel and experience. I don’t really agree with #9 – the college process was the most stressful time of my life – twice! I’m glad that time is over!
Well, the college process was hardest to me, because of all MY worrying. Once I decided it was my daughter who should be doing the work (and the worrying) I let up on it a lot and wasn’t as freaked out by it. My son is 16, so we’ll see how we do when it’s his turn!
The weight thing…I never gave it a lot of thought until I turned 50 and every cookie I ate found a new place to park. My whole body shape began to morph into old age me. I’m halfway through my sixties now and the softer, less muscular me is doing just fine. I’m carrying around several extra pounds now, but ya know what? I’m okay with that and I’m happy. Clothes still come in my size so…I’m good!
Yeah, that whole after 50/menopause thing really messes with your weight, it’s sooo annoying! I’m also very into comfortable clothes, as long as they’re comfy I’m good.
#7…wish I could see my girlfriends more often, I miss them so. But, it is so important to keep adding to the mix, because you need new friends for every stage and leg of your journey.
Yes, girlfriends are my saviors. And it’s nice to keep adding them as you grow as you may move away, or switch jobs, so it’s important to keep bringing new ones in. Thanks for visiting!
#7, Very important. I miss my girlfriends so terribly. I have made new friends too, since they are needed in every new stage and on every new rung of your journey.
Such a great list and, in retrospect, so very true. It’s just #9 that I’m stuck on. Having such a hard time with that one right now.
Thanks, Karen! See Lois’s comment above! I hope my son (16) is as self sufficient when it comes to the college process as my daughter was. But, yes, it’s definitely stressful!!
Good advice, all of it! I’m really struggling with #6, but only because I’ve realized that even this small weight gain I’ve had is probably the cause of a few health problems I’m experiencing…I’m working on it but want to feel better even more than I want the weight gone. Now if someone would just sprinkle some fairy dust or wave a magic wand…but it doesn’t work that way.
Yeah, #6 is tough! But truly, no one else thinks you have to lose those 5 lbs, believe me. Fairy dust would be fabulous, send some my way if you find any 🙂 Thanks for reading!
This is a good list! Being in my forties there are so many things I can take away from it. The one that struck me was #10. It such a double edged sword for me, that one. Some days I want it so badly I can taste it, yet I know….
Awww, thanks! So glad you related, sometimes I feel so ancient…..and yes, #10 is going to be such a double-edged sword once they’re both gone. I can’t really quite imagine it yet.
Like minds, worry doesn’t help much!!
Yeah, that’s actually another one – make that #11. Stop worrying ’cause it doesn’t do any good anyway!
Worry really does’t help!
Claudia – I love this, and I needed to hear many of these messages today. I’m in the throes of young kids and juggling a career and worrying about everything. In fact, I’ve been hesitating on planning a trip, and this is just the inspiration I needed. I need to embrace No. 4. I’m always saving for retirement, college funds, home improvement something … investing in a family vacay or a trip to Disneyland is just what we need right now.
GO ON THE TRIP! You and your family need it, especially if you work and juggle it all. I had to get breast cancer to realize how much I was missing, but let me tell you, NOW, I go on trips all the time and put in that pool and spend money like it’s meant to be used, for joy and fun with family during this life (not to be given to my kids when I kick the bucket one day)!
Words of Wisdom! Many I agree with!
Thanks for reading, Tam!
Just think how smart we’ll be in our 60’s! LOL!
I sure hope so! Thanks for reading, Tom!
Just think how smart we’ll be in our 60s!
Hi Linda!! Was that you above, or Tom? 🙂 Yeah, baby- we’ll be very smart in our 60’s! How are ya? We need to do lunch or brunch soon. Maybe next weekend (not this one but next)? I’ll text you xo
This was exactly what I needed tonight. Thank you Claudia..truly.
So glad, Julie. I really wish I had known all this stuff back in my 30’s, it would have relieved a lot of my worries and fears…….it’s all gonna’ work out, trust me 🙂
I love this post! My list would include: all of the things you mentioned and more family outings, less worrying about little things, more margin in the schedule and less activities. Thank you! I shared this with my grown daughters.
Thank you, Mary! I’m so glad it resonated with you and that you shared it with your daughters.
My list would contain everything that you stated with emphasis on family outings, less fretting and more margins. Thank you! I shared this with my adult daughters.
Claudia, my little one is 4 1/2 and still likes to snuggle, but I can imagine a day when she’ll pull away (hopefully not for a while). It is hard for me to stay in the moment but I will try.
Estelle (Midlife Blvd).
Oh, I remember those days when they were so snuggly! You’ll figure it out, just try and stay in the moment, although I know it’s not easy with so many other things to keep you busy. Thanks for stopping by!
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dear Claudia,
I just wrote a comment and it disappeared – so let’s try again! I love your list! it encompasses all the things we need to keep reminding ourselves of if we are to live fully and well. plus, having those sorts of values growing up means our children will carry them on into their own lives. thanks for sharing your wisdom and encouragement.
much love and light,
Karen xoxo
Hi Karen, Thank you for persevering with the post, I know it’s a little tricky sometimes…..I sure hope my children carry these things into their lives! Love and light right back at you!
Wonderful list. Every point dead on! So to speak . . . 🙂
Thanks for stopping by, Diane! xo
I wrote a blog about this as well…what would I tell my younger self. Too bad our youth is wasted on the young. Great Advice Claudia. Especially the therapist. For everyone.
Hi Kathleen – yeah, the therapist is key. You just have to work that stuff out…..
Aw. This was a great read. I just had my first baby 10 months ago, and all of the things you listed, I needed to hear.
Hi Meg – you’re so lucky to have a 10 month old. Try to remember that when she/he gets older they won’t be so needy and that it’s just a phase…..and try to experience it fully while they’re still so young. Hope you’re getting some sleep!
It’s interesting that most of your list revolved around worrying. No matter how old we are, I think we are always prone to worry about things we cannot change. I’m closer to 70 now than 60 and my list of what I wish I had known is a lot different than it was 20 years ago. Wouldn’t it be great to get one restart button?
awww, that made me sad. I always hold my son and my hubs can’t stand it. He says, “he’s almost 5!!” I don’t care! Someday he won’t want me to hold him close and kiss his cheek the entire walk from the car in the parking lot to the store! I do wish I had more time to myself, but now I feel bad. I should stop freaking out about only blogging once a week at the most because he wants me to play with him all.day.long! I’m 35. I’ll take your advice!!
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Love this list. I’m in my early 30’s and wrote a HuffPo piece called “This is 33: The Landing on the Stairs.” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kylah-goodfellow-klinge/this-is-33-the-landing-on-the-stairs_b_4795721.html. This is so helpful as I continue the climb! Printing it out now.
Love this–thanks so much for posting! I wrote a HuffPo piece, “This is 33” (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kylah-goodfellow-klinge/this-is-33-the-landing-on-the-stairs_b_4795721.html) and your list is seriously helpful as I continue the climb. Printing it out now.
Thanks for reading! Your Huffpo piece is awesome!
My favorite part? Trust them and trust yourself.
Yes, right? If we can only trust in the fact that, since WE raised our kids, they’ll most likely do pretty well!
You ARE wise! Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Thanks, Nan!
I’d add “No is not a bad word.” I would’ve saved myself so much grief it I’d have said no more often. Great list.
That’s a great one, too, Kathleen!